By: Tabitha Studer
- Teach him the words for how he feels. Your toddler son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He'll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will be able to talk through his emotions and be less prone shutting down. It will help him in his relationships and his career if he will talk through the tough stuff and he will be less likely to become anxious and depressed if he knows and communicate the difference between anger and embarrassment; between disappointment and grief.
- Be a cheerleader for his life. There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. He will say he's embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.
- Teach him how to do laundry...and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife will thank you. Amen!
- Read to him and read with him. Emilie Buchwald said, "Children become readers on the laps of their parents." Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories.
- Encourage him to dance. Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet - they have some form of the three. It doesn't have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it's perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.
- Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity. Examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But, make sure he also knows about men who are amazing because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).
- Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity! Pictures of physically beautiful women will surround your son from birth. But, make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Condoleeza Rice), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).
- Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity. You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. Do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
- Teach him to have manners because it’s nice and it will make the world a little better of a place.
- Give him something to believe in (God.) Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won't be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.
- Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people's feelings.
- Let him ruin his clothes. Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.
- Learn how to ... throw a football or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines and tractors, or learn to speak Elvish, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
- Go outside with him. Turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It's like magic.
- Let him lose. Losing sucks. Everybody isn't always a winner. Even if you want to say, "You're a winner because you tried," don't. He doesn't feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that's a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again.....) Instead make sure he understands that - sometimes you win - sometimes you lose. But that doesn't mean you ever give up.
- Give him opportunities to help others . There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.
- Remind him that practice makes perfect. This doesn't just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks - they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice.
- Answer him when he asks, "Why?" Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid Internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he's too embarrassed to ask you - he'll know where to go to find the right answers.
- Always carry band-aids and wipes on you especially the wipes.
- Let his dad teach him how to do things and don't interruptt them.
- Give him something to release his energy . Be it a ball, drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with - or he will use your stuff. and then you'll be sorry.
- Build him forts. Forts have the ability to make every day normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he'll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.
- Take him to new places . Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
- Kiss him . Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, 'what happens in between that made you lose that?' Let's try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they're loving and kissing them even more when they're wild. Kissing them when they're 2 months and kissing them when they're 16 years old. You're the mom - you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets - and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad's too).
- Be home base . You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you're the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.
